You are the Creator of Your Life
The Crone is a symbol of inherent wisdom. Although the Crone is the harbinger death, she is also responsible for birth and new life. She is our archetypal midwife.
~ YOUR LIFE IS YOUR MASTERPIECE ~
HALIFAX . 2003 . WHERE IS THE LADDER
Dear Journal,
What is going on? How is it I always find myself in the same situation no matter how hard I try not to? I am very creative. I always get so excited when I find a new way that I think will prevent the pattern from repeating. I always say, “This time I have got it right”, but obviously, I don’t. Why is what I do not enough? Why am I not valued? Why is what I give not valued? Why am I not respected? How do I break free of this pattern? I know that it is not that I don’t value and respect others. I do. Perhaps too much. I remember my parents always saying you get what you give. I give and give and give and then give more just as all good girls are taught to do. I certainly have the giving part mastered, but the getting, I am failing at.
I remember watching salmon jumping rapids on their way up the river to the spawning ground. A few jumped and had success, but the majority that tried to jump the rapids fell back into the pool below and then would try and try again until their bodies were so battered that they were so exhausted they just lay at the bottom of the rapids. Oh, my heart. Being an empath, I could feel their pain. Just like me, the absence of success was not from a lack of trying. They were literally killing themselves trying. From my vantage point above the rapids, I could see that the majority of the salmon coming up the river were swimming to the left side to a ladder and were navigating the rapids successfully. Why did the salmon that were trying so hard to jump the rapids not see the ladder? I remember standing there watching the salmon and saying, “There is a ladder designed just for you. You can do this. Don’t give up. You can save yourself. Just swim left and it is right there waiting for you.”
I feel like those salmon. I am stuck in trying to get it right, trying to figure it out. It was so easy for me to see the salmon ladder why can’t I see mine?
Love
Karen
HALIFAX . 2007 . ON THE LADDER
Dear Journal,
Oh, my friend, the past four years have been a gigantic learning curve. The pattern of not being respected and valued has continued to express itself. However, there is change happening.
You see, my friend, I attracted the perfect teachers. Some showing up in their shadow and some in their light. Yes, I attracted a number of birth clients that disrespected me, judged me, blamed me for their birth experience not going the way they wanted it to. Some would refuse to pay me because they didn’t get the birth they wanted. Those were excruciatingly painful experiences, even though I know I supported them to the best of my ability. While an experience like this was unfolding, other clients would demonstrate the opposite experience. They valued my service, they valued me. They paid my fee and often more. They encouraged me to raise my fees because I wasn’t valuing myself, nor was I valuing the quality of my service. They told their friends about my service and supported me to grow and expand at all levels. Then came the suggestion to work with a contract. Then the suggestion of changing the interview process to better serve both my perspective clients and myself. This year I have been respected and valued more than ever before.
As for the ladder, I didn’t need to look for it — I’ve been on it, climbing one rung at a time. I just couldn’t see it. Now I can. When I look up, it looks like a long climb. However, I can see the light shining through the opening at the top and that is encouraging. When I look down, I realize I have not been as stuck as I thought I was. I have climbed a number of rungs. I revel in this realization.
Love you
Karen
HALIFAX . 2008 . PACE IS QUICKENING
Dear Journal,
What an incredible year it has been. Honouring my values, setting clear boundaries and standing in my truth.
I instituted the three suggestions and what an amazing shift in energy. My fears were all unfounded. I have raised my fee substantially and am not only attracting more clients, but clients who value having me serve them. The contract has resolved many of the issues I previously experienced. It has also changed the way I show up. The interview has been a fun experiment. It has become a clever design that consists of questions that allow me to hone in on what the couple’s needs are and shows me if I am in alignment with them. I love this process. So many times, I see so clearly, I am not the best choice for them. It brings me so much joy to give them the contact information of someone who is a better match. You see my friend, what people don’t see is that if I am not in alignment with them, I can’t be my best and they can’t be their best. That does not serve either of us. This practice has brought more growth than I thought possible. Now I am attracting clients who are lawyers and I am learning so much about women’s rights and autonomy in pregnancy and birth, hospital polices, liability, coercion, manipulation and informed consent. Oh, my friend, as a result of being able to better educate and support women to work with the system in a way that their needs are met, more women to birth in their power. Now that they know they have choices and are making the choices for themselves, it is a whole new experience.
Up the ladder I go. The pace is quickening.
Love
Karen
SPAIN . 2013 . I AM NOT READY
Dear Journal,
Here I sit on a pile of hay bales. I have never seen such huge hay bales. It was fun to climb up here, and what a spectacular view! Stacks of bales for as far as I can see and not another pilgrim in sight. Space, so much space all around me and I feel it within me. I don’t mind feeling the space within me. It’s a beautiful break from the endless thoughts that are usually flowing. However, what is rising into the space is disconcerting. Last night I had a dream: one of those prophetic dreams. I awoke with resistance in my body and mind. That inner disagreement that is so familiar. It is just a dream. Now, you know that is not true. But I don’t want the dream to be true. I am not ready.
I gave the two disagreeing parts of me the space to be heard as I walked this morning. I know the energy that was in the dream well. It’s a foretelling of what is coming. A heads-up. The message in the dream was clear. The time is coming to close my birth practice.
What? I am not ready. I love serving in the birth community. I know that I am making a difference in birthing women’s lives. I am personally continuing to learn and grow. Why? It is not logical. When has the guidance been logical? You know this dream is giving you time to prepare and be ready when it is time. You know the guidance you are given always serves your highest good and the highest good of all. When has the guidance made sense to your ego mind?
My friend, I can hear the truth in the words of my wise self, but I love serving the birth community and I feel heartbroken thinking about it coming to an end. I am not ready to let go.
Love you
Karen
HALIFAX . 2016 . QUIETLY SLIPPED AWAY
Dear Journal,
No accolades. No celebration. Simply a knowing that I am following the guidance and this is the next step. My last client birthed her baby tonight. She birthed in her power, with grace and ease. She faced her fears that once felt overwhelming to her. The love for herself and for her baby was palpable in the birth space.
As I stepped from the birth room into the hallway of the Birth Unit, there was not a nurse at the station nor was there anyone in the hallway. I quietly slipped away knowing that I had served my clients for the past thirteen years to the best of my ability. I had made a difference in many lives. A few more things to finish up and my birth practice will be officially closed. However, my time with serving birth is not yet complete. I have one more birth to be a part of and it is the most important birth of all I have attended. Soon I will be on my way to Australia to use all I have learned about birth and postpartum to serve K as she gives birth and transitions into being a mother. As you know my friend, K and I seem to make all these big transitions together. She will be transitioning into mother and I will be transitioning into grandmother/crone. I have a feeling that my life experience is going to serve us both well.
Love
Katharina
HALIFAX . 2022 . CONSCIOUS CREATOR
Dear Journal,
Six years have passed since I closed my birth practice. E’s birth opened an unexpected door. As you know my friend, after I closed my practice, I was exploring ways to use my wisdom gleaned from my experience to serve both birth workers and birthing women. The Universe had a different plan.
I had been consciously healing my own family intergenerational story before K was pregnant. I was originally doing this healing work for myself and K so that we could consciously create a new way of engaging with life, a new story and end the pain generated by the story of ‘not enough’. Just as it had unconsciously been passed down to me, I had passed it down to K. I had no idea that K’s pregnancy and the birth of E would take our healing to another level. The night after E was born, I had an experience where I was shown the power of the healing work I had been doing and how far the healing extended. Past, present and future of my family lineage. E’s birth marked the end of that story being passed down. Yes, K and I had to clear the residue that continued to express through our bodies but there was no longer the energy to support the story. The wound was healed. This experience has changed the way I see life. I now see how my life is a masterpiece and I am the creator of it. This deeper understanding, has led me to the practice of being a conscious creator as I’m responsible to how my creation impacts me as well as the collective. I see how each rung of this metaphorical ladder has prepared me for this task. I am so grateful for my journey. My upper body is out of the opening and the light is very bright and illuminating what I need to see. When I look down, the women are coming in droves and as we all climb, I feel the Divine Feminine and Masculine rising and expressing through us. There is so much love my friend. So much love.
Love and light,
Katharina
PS I love the revelations that come through the writing process. There was truth in what my parents told me. I wasn’t valuing or respecting myself so I was receiving what I was giving myself. When I learned to respect and value myself, everything changed, including realizing I was already on the ladder.
SELF-AWARENESS QUESTIONS
Your life is your masterpiece.
1) How are you investing in yourself?
2) How is your investment in self, shaping your masterpiece?
3) How is your masterpiece shaping the collective masterpiece?