Pride's Lesson
The Crone is a symbol of inherent wisdom. Although the Crone is the harbinger death, she is also responsible for birth and new life. She is our archetypal midwife.
PRIDE’S LESSON
My pride was a byproduct of my intergenerational ‘not enough’ story. My desire was to be wanted, needed, approved of, and believed in. I wanted to be seen, listened to and to know that I had value. I believed I had to prove that I was enough to have what I desired and to prove I was worthy of love
HALIFAX, SUMMER 2004: SUPRISING REVELATION
Dear Journal,
Oh, my friend, this evening with a heaviness in my heart, I joined my co-workers to celebrate the end of my contract with the organization that I have worked with for the past year. We gathered at the executive director’s house and I arrived late which is very out of character for me. I had no desire to be in attendance. In my heart, there was nothing to celebrate. You know how I learned at a very early age to push the pain away, put on a smile and show up as if I was happy? This evening was no exception.
I had entered the contract seeing the prospects through rose-coloured glasses. I believed in the cause. From what I had heard and read about the project it appeared to align with my values. I was honoured to be part of this project and to serve my passion: the empowerment of women. I poured my heart and soul into the project. I went above and beyond to prove my value and that of the women I worked with. It was my last day and I was expecting approval. With that expectation in the forefront of my mind, I entered the executive director’s office with a bounce in my step and a big smile on my face. To my surprise, there was no praise. No mention of what I had accomplished or the successes the women had experienced as the result of a well delivered program. Instead she told me that I had not met her expectations because I had a quiet strength that had surprised her. She hadn’t seen it in the interview. She hadn’t been looking for someone for the project with that level of leadership. She had wanted someone that would comply with what she felt was best for the project, not someone who had the leadership qualities that I had demonstrated. She said that I had made the year challenging in ways she had not been prepared for. I was surprised, but what had my full attention was the pain. It felt like a knife had been twisted in an old wound. I had been here before, only this time the pain was greater.
Instead of leaving feeling proud of my contributions to the project and celebrating the empowerment the women experienced, I felt ashamed for being a disappointment. In trying to prove I was enough but doing my absolute best, I was too much for what was wanted. I had failed in proving that I was enough.
This evening after dinner, I found myself in the living room alone with a beautiful mystical soul. We had had many chats during the year. She was not directly involved in the project. She was a volunteer with the organization. Whenever we would have our chats she would be in a rocking chair in a corner and I would sit in front of her. I always knew she was the teacher and I was the student. Our chats were always focused around a life lesson and she always seemed to know what I was in need of learning. This evening we were in a different location but just like all our other chats she was in a corner in a rocking chair and I sat on the ottoman in front of her. This evening, the rays of the setting sun streamed through the window,illuminating us as the lesson began. She had a story to share with me.
The story was about me and what she had observed during the past year. Time stood still and all I was aware of was her voice and being wrapped in a cocoon of the purest love I had ever experienced. This evening she reframed the entire year as a lesson and showed me the opportunity that I had to grow from the experience. She shone the light very brightly for me to see how my pride was a cover story for my ‘not enough’ story. She also helped me see the bigger picture.
As for the project that I felt was in alignment with my values, well it turns out I wasn’t seeing the whole picture there either. I was focused on my vision of what I thought the project could potentially be for the women and in my desire for approval, I showed up being the absolute best I could be. As she spoke, I could see that I had been blinded by my pride and in an effort to be enough, I didn’t see that the level of leadership qualities I had were not aligned with the executive director’s vision of the project. Now I understood why I had felt resistance, why I hadn’t gotten the approval I was seeking and why she had said I had made her year challenging.
Lastly, the mystic focused on my quiet strength. She showed me how I had been a role model for the women by demonstrating the power of inner strength. I had never given that quality much value as it didn’t serve my being ‘not enough’ — rather it made me too much! This had been a constant pattern in my life. According to the mystic I was so focused on trying to be enough that I couldn’t see my gifts, let alone value them or utilize them to serve fully. My gifts had been diminished by me serving my pride. Her question was, if I couldn’t value the gifts I have to share then who would? My cheeks were wet with tears and the sun had set when I once again became aware of my body sitting on the ottoman. I gently unclasped my hands from hers. The lesson was over. The truth was revealed. I had simply failed to fulfill another’s expectation of me. I am not a failure. There is a difference.
Oh, my friend, this evening did not unfold as I expected. I had no idea that this beautiful Soul was watching over me. I feel so blessed. My heart is no longer heavy. This truly is an evening of unexpected celebration.
Now, how do I process all that the mystic taught me? When my hands were held in hers and I was in her presence, I felt so loved. When I was held in love I knew I was enough. I could see it so clearly. How do I feel that love within me and how do I live being enough?
I love you my dear friend. Thank you for listening.
Karen
HALIFAX, FEBRUARY 2022: THROUGH CRONE EYES
Dear journal,
Many years have passed since I sat in the corner, my hands gently held by a mystic, bathed in the light of the setting sun and cocooned in unconditional love. I knew I was with a mystic but I didn’t know until a few weeks later that we were literally in a cocoon that evening. I was so present to the mystic that I was unaware that a couple of people had tried to join us in the living room but were stopped by an invisible wall. Perhaps the mystic was on a Divine mission and nothing was going to interfere with what she had to teach me.
As you know my friend, that evening was a pivotal moment in my life. “When the student is ready the teacher appears.” Over time I unstuck myself from my ‘not enough’ story and as I did, a story of self-love and self-empowerment began to birth and I began to trust myself to live aligned with my truth. The more I was living the new story, there was less space for pride.
Journal, as I write this entry today, my now aged cheeks are wet with tears. Tears of gratitude for myself having the courage to show up that evening, for the mystic who saw me, watched over me, took the time to teach me how my story of ‘not enough’ was separating me from loving myself. She opened the door to self-love and I walked through it.
Today I can still see the mystic’s love-filled eyes looking into mine. I feel the love that flowed through her and enveloped me like a cocoon. That same love now radiates from within me and all around me.
Journal, thank you for being the keeper of the journey’s story and the wisdom that has been gleaned from it.
Deep love for you my faithful companion.
Katharina
P.S. Karen, my beautiful younger self, I love you so deeply that whenever I think of you all I see is your light and your beauty. Thank you for leading me here.
SELF-AWARENESS QUESTIONS
Does pride impede you from trusting yourself? If so how?
Does pride sabotage your own self-empowerment? If so how?
If you answered yes to one of these questions or both, there is a story of ‘not enough’ calling to be unstuck from.