An Unexpected Journey

I spent many years of my life searching the outer world for my truth -- my power.

I had an insatiable appetite for approval and recognition from others. My hope was that someday if I received enough approval and recognition from my outer world, I would then know that I was enough and feel empowered. Unbeknownst to me, that hope could never be sustainably realized. Instead, that insatiable appetite took me on an unexpected journey that revealed a world of magic and enchantment that I had never before encountered; up until that point, I had had no idea it could even exist.

My journey of continuously searching was exhausting. My energy source was approval and recognition but the energy I expended to access it ended up being more than what I received from it. I discovered that by living the story of not being enough, I couldn’t receive because the root of my not-enough story was that I wasn’t worthy of receiving. To compensate for that imbalance, I was over giving in an effort to receive what I needed. It may seem crazy but it is important to realize that I was living out this pattern unconsciously, as my story of not being enough lived in my unconsciousness.

If you had asked me if I thought I was enough, I would have laughed at you for asking such a ridiculous question. I had a brilliant cover story that fed my illusion of being enough — to me, my cover story was my real story, while the true story that lay beneath was in the driver’s seat of my life.

Searching for my power outside of myself became complex. I projected myself not being enough onto others (meaning they would appear as ‘not enough’ to me) and then through the expression of the wounded healer archetype, I would try to fix them because if I could help them heal to be enough then I could be enough. If they were okay then I was okay. This is the root of codependence. I became so exhausted that even after hours of sleep I would wake up tired. My adrenal glands were fatigued and my entire body was out of balance. I had a deep resentment for how limited my life had become. Freedom is one of my top values and my life was anything but an expression of freedom.

I had imprisoned myself in an intergenerational story of not enough and had created the opposite of what I was seeking.

My way out of my self-made prison was working with archetypal patterns and story. With the guidance of my incredible guides I began identifying and unraveling the cover stories, allowing the power-holding stories beneath them to be revealed. This was akin to Dorothy pulling back the curtain to reveal the Wizard of Oz. Once the stories were revealed, I recognized them as intergenerational stories with very deep roots. They were stories that required patience for their main threads or patterns to emerge. Once this happened, I could pull one thread and unravel the story. This unraveling process required surrender — giving into the light. It was a process of aligning with wholeness, health and wellbeing. I was learning to align with my inner power verses seeking power from the outer world. As I embraced this journey, unsticking from my stories one by one, I emerged knowing I was enough. Like Dorothy, I learned that I had always been enough; I just couldn’t see it because of my story.  

As I detached from my stories, my emergence of being enough unfolded naturally. I was so excited when I realized that I was no longer in need of approval or recognition from the outer world. All the approval and recognition that I needed was now coming from within.

I am in love with this process of unraveling story and witnessing the emergence of incredible gifts that once lay buried.

Every day as I release from story, and the patterns and the emotions attached to them, I feel my life force quickening as it pulsates in and around my body. Creation energy is a high vibrational energy. It is the energy of joy, magic and enchantment. When I think back to my days of living in an exhausted state, I see now that I was living in survival energy and my goal was to get through the day. Some of the emotions I experienced as a part of my not-enough story were shame, guilt, worry, fear, frustration, worthlessness and envy. They depleted my energy and one of my most frequent questions was, what is wrong with me? 

In reality, there was nothing wrong with me.

The truth is that when I was searching the outer world, I couldn’t see the truth because I needed to keep affirming my story to keep believing it.  As my story unraveled the truth emerged. When given the space, the truth always emerges. The truth is we are enough and we have always been enough. We can’t see it when we are stuck in a story. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed, tired or exhausted, life feels hard, your body feels out of balance, your emotions weigh you down and/or “I am trying but it is so hard to change” is part of your vocabulary, it is highly probable that you have a story that is in the driver’s seat of your life. In my experience this story is most often an intergenerational story, engrained so deeply that unbeknownst to you, it is depleting your energy — your power.