Understanding Your Relationship to Power

If you look at your personal energy system as a power grid, what is the source of the power that fuels your grid? Your answer to this question will give you insight into your relationship with power.

According to Abraham Maslow, human beings have five kinds of needs:

1.     Physiological (food, water, air, shelter, clothing, sleep)

2.     Safety (security)

3.     Social (love, affection, friendship, belonging)

4.     Esteem (self-respect, self-confidence)

5.     Self-actualization (self-development)

Maslow’s theory was that only needs that are not satisfied can be motivators. After the lower-level needs are met, the higher need becomes the focus. In our patriarchal culture, there is a relationship between need and lack. Through the patriarchal lens, if there is a need then there is lack, or it wouldn’t be needed. Through this same lens, if there is something one does not have there is a sense of powerlessness; therefore, having, gives one a sense of power. For example, one might say, “I need to have security to feel happy. Money will give me security, so having money will make me happy and I will feel empowered.” Lack is the motivator!

The truth is that power is often given to the ego to have these needs met, like in the example above. Through the patriarchal lens, not having is equated to powerlessness (losing power) and having is equated to having power (gaining power). Power is often given to the patriarchal stories to have these needs met. These stories have been unconsciously absorbed down through the generations. The stories are being lived out continuously in an effort to fulfill these needs. These unconscious stories support a relationship with power as being “power over”.  In reality, these needs cannot be met by the ego and the “power over” relationship. Here is an example of how it works: you believe that when you have or achieve something you desire, like a promotion in your career that will double your present salary, that it will take away your feeling of insecurity, make you very happy and as a result you will feel empowered. What you are actually saying is that you cannot feel secure, happy or empowered until you have that promotion. You are dependent on winning that promotion to fulfill those needs. In doing so, you have given your power to having that promotion and you believe that promotion will fill the lack you are experiencing. You have now depleted your power grid in an effort to feel empowered and you need the promotion to fuel your grid. You get the promotion. It was a competition, you won and you now have “power over”. In other words, you were chosen over others, you feel better than and the reward is money, security, happiness and power.  In time, there will be a need for more power because this is a pattern that continually needs more power to keep it alive. It is akin to a hungry beast that can never get enough to satisfy its hunger. This pattern is lived out every day in the patriarch. There is a cost in this egoic relationship with power. It creates an imbalance in the body that often results in stress, pain and suffering. In time, it may evolve into diseases that ravish the body in a way that creates limitation. It may also result in stressful relationships.

While the ego power saga continues to play out, many humans are seeking a different relationship to power. They seek connection; autonomy; freedom from tyranny and the pain and suffering created by it; and the freedom to make choices from wholeness versus fear, to express one-self freely and to be supported to live in health and wellness. This way of engaging in life is beyond what the ego is capable of providing. These individuals are seeking a relationship to Soul/Divine power—a power that is a byproduct of the union of the feminine and masculine archetypes, a power that is rooted in wholeness/oneness versus lack/not enough. For example, a promotion in this relationship with power may simply be for personal expansion and growth. Perhaps you desire the promotion to further develop skills so you can better serve others and support their growth. There is nothing to prove. You are not dependent on the promotion to be secure. You trust that your needs are always met and you live with joy in your heart. There is nothing to gain and nothing to lose. This is a relationship of “power with” and you have fueled your power grid from within yourself. This relationship with power results in equality, equanimity and being in balance. This source of power comes from your inner world instead of the outer world—Soul power instead of egoic power. 

To understand your relationship to power requires looking within and being microscopically truthful with yourself. Truth is the only way through this patriarchal dilemma of the illusion of power. You need to get beyond the illusion of the cover stories and the stories that you unconsciously created to protect your wounds from feeling pain. The truth is, those stories are not actually protecting you from pain. They are actually contributing to it, causing those wounds to fester and become more inflamed. 

The medicine for these inflamed wounds is to wake up, to become more conscious and aware of how you are fueling your personal power grid. My experience with being microscopically truthful with myself has been that the relief is greater than the pain. One of the best workshops I have ever attended was a weekend where I, along with all the others in the group, acted out our stories. In acting them out, I could clearly see where I was losing power (giving it away) and how I was holding power over another so they would give me their power. Seeing how I disempowered another to have “power over” was extremely painful. It was hard to see the pain and suffering my actions caused them. Once I worked through the shock of seeing the pain I had caused another, I laughed uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of what I was doing. I had always seen myself as a very logical, pragmatic person but my relationship with power was anything but logical. That weekend was the beginning of my journey into truly understanding my relationship to power. 

If you are feeling compelled to become more conscious of your relationship with power, the first step on this journey is awareness. Become aware of when you feel you have won and you have “power over” someone or something. When you feel empowered, ask yourself, what is the source of the power I am feeling?  Determine if it is “power over” or “power with” and then you can determine if your relationship with power supports the way you desire to engage with life.