Releasing the Need For Control
Responsible To or For
The need to control is one of the most common patterns of victim consciousness. When you feel responsible FOR another, you are actually saying,
I need to control this situation. I need to make everything okay for them and myself.
A story for you
Tanisha: Yes, I understand, you did what I told you to do but this time, I will go with you and make sure the person gives you all the correct forms so you don’t have to go back yet again.
Allessandra: Thank you sister. I know I can always count on you. I hope you don’t have plans for the afternoon because these forms need to be completed and sent by tomorrow.
Tanisha: I understand how important this is to you and yes, I was meeting someone for coffee later but this is important. I can have coffee anytime.
Allessandra: I love how you take such good care of me.
Tanisha: I will pick you up and we will get this all sorted and I promise that you will have them emailed by the end of the day. In fact, I will help you fill them out to make sure they are all correct and then I will scan them and email them for you.
Allessandra: I am so relieved. Are you coming right away?
Tanisha: I will be there in 15 minutes.
Let me explain
Tanisha feels responsible for Allessandra. Tanisha is the older sister and she has always looked out for her little sister. She has no idea that she feels the need to control her sister’s life. In her mind, she is simply helping her sister. Tanisha has no idea that her perception that she is helping her sister has created a co-dependent relationship. Tanisha is exhausted and she doesn’t understand why.
Allessandra doesn’t trust herself to function without her sisters help.
Tanisha’s story of being RESPONSIBLE FOR Allessandra is disempowering both of them.
A new story
Tanisha: Yes, I understand Allessandra, the person didn’t give you the right forms. Yes, I understand that you are upset as you are feeling pressed for time. Take a deep breath and focus your attention on the next step which is getting the correct forms. When you go back, communicate clearly, tell them exactly what you need.
Allessandra: But you know I don’t handle this kind of stress well. Would you come with me? You are so confident in situations like this.
Tanisha: No, I have plans with a friend. Allessandra, I wasn’t always so confident Allessandra. It took practice. This is your opportunity to practice.
Allessandra: But, I don’t trust myself to communicate what I need clearly.
Tanisha: You know what forms you need. I suggest that you practice asking for what you need as you make your way back there. When you arrive you will be clear and communicate clearly. You can do this!
Allessandra: But, I need your help. I need to have these forms sent by the end of the day. I am afraid I won’t do it right.
Tanisha: Go and get the correct forms, go home and give yourself the time to go through each page, entering all the information step by step. When you are finished come over here and we will check them over together, then you can scan them and click send. I promise you, when you work through the forms step by step, the feeling of being overwhelmed diminishes. I am not abandoning you. I know you can do this.
Allessandra: Thank you sister for your guidance. I feel better just thinking about one step at a time. I will do what you suggest and I know you are there if I need you.
Awareness
Being responsible to self means believing in and trusting yourself, respecting your values and living aligned with your truth. Being responsible to another means believing in the other person, respecting their autonomy, and to empower them versus controlling the situation.
Allessandra had filled the forms out perfectly and in few minutes of arriving at her sister’s she had them sent. She learned that she was capable of more than she thought she was. She was empowered.
Tanisha had become aware of her need to control Allessandra’s life and understood that feeling responsible for Allessandra was making her dependent. She knew that Allessandra needed to learn to be responsible to herself. Tanisha decided that she would no longer be responsible for Allessandra. Instead would be responsible to her.
This is a new path for Tanisha and Allessandra. As they walk it together they are supporting each other to live empowered lives. Tanisha’s is regaining her energy and Allessandra is enjoying her new-found independence and the freedom in making her own choices. They are learning the power in being responsible to.
Self-awareness practice
Closing the gap between reacting unconsciously and responding consciously.
The need to control is limiting to yourself and others. If you desire to free yourself from victim consciousness (patriarchal survival consciousness) then releasing the need for control is part of the process.
As you go about your day I invite you to become aware when you are being responsible for another by asking yourself these questions:
1) Do I believe in this person?
2) Do I respect their autonomy?
3) Is this empowering for myself and this person?
Going Deeper
1) How is having control/being responsible for another serving my victim consciousness story?
2) How is this story limiting me from empowering myself and others?
3) Am I manipulating, rescuing, enabling or caretaking? If so I am being responsible for.
4) Am I being supportive, accepting, non-judgmental and empowering? If so I am being responsible to.
I encourage you to keep a journal. At the end of each day take a few moments to reflect on your day and be mindful of where you:
practiced the being ‘responsible to’ pattern and how it felt. If it felt uncomfortable that is okay. It is the unknown. As you continue to practice you will feel elevated emotions, like freedom, joy, empowerment.
fell back into the ‘responsible for’ pattern and how that felt. If it felt comfortable it is because your body knows this pattern well. As you practice you will notice that engaging in this pattern feels out of alignment with your new path.
I encourage you to have self-compassion. Feeling shame and guilt, thinking I shouldn’t have, I should have, I can’t do this, simply is victim consciousness making itself known.
Remember this is a process of unlearning. Set the intention each morning to be conscious as you live your day!
You are on the journey of being ‘responsible to’ yourself and others!