Over Commit or Don't Commit
What is your relationship with commitment?
Like trying and waiting, commitment is also the domain of the saboteur. By over committing or not committing you are resisting change. Trying and waiting are the saboteur patterns that allow individuals to avoid commitment.
A story for you
Tanisha: Allessandra, you are the sweetest. Three weeks in Europe with you and your family at a villa. Did you know staying in a villa is on my bucket list? When are you planning to go?
Allessandra: In October. That will give us lots of time to book holiday time, research a villa in an area that interests us and to book the flights.
Tanisha: I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t plan that far in advance.
Allessandra: You have often talked about going to Europe. This is your opportunity. You pay for your flights the rest of the holiday is on us.
Tanisha: Yes, I know. I appreciate your generosity. I only have three weeks of vacation a year. Something might come up that would be more fun than Europe.
Allessandra: I am disappointed. I thought you would jump at the opportunity. How long do you need before you can commit?
Tanisha: I don’t know. I have no idea when something may come up. I really don’t want to miss anything that might be more fun.
Allessandra: Okay Tanisha, I hear you. I will put this on hold and check back with you in a couple months.
Tanisha: Thank you Allessandra. You are the best sister.
Let me explain
In this story, both Tanisha and Allessandra are unconsciously living out saboteur patterns. Tanisha’s inability to commit is impacting Allessandra and her family to have the time they need to prepare. Allessandra is sabotaging herself and her family by allowing Tanisha’s pattern to hold them back from planning their family vacation time. Everything is on hold for Tanisha to decide if going to Europe is enough for her. Tanisha is expressing a power over pattern and Allessandra is allowing it. Neither are fully engaging in life.
A new story
Tanisha: Allessandra, you are the sweetest. Three weeks in Europe with you and your family at a villa. Did you know staying in a villa is on my bucket list? When are you planning to go?
Allessandra: In October. That will give us lots of time to book holiday time, research a villa in an area that interest us and to book the flights.
Tanisha: I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t plan that far in advance.
Allessandra: Tanisha, this is your pattern of not being able to commit surfacing again. If you were to take the time to determine your top five values and create a vision for your life, you could make a choice easily. Knowing your values and having a vision gives you a structure. The structure supports having boundaries that enable you to make the choices that are right for you. This process would give you clarity and clarity supports making empowered choices.
Tanisha: I know, you have told me that so many times. It is hard to find the time to do it. Something always comes up. Besides, if I write down my values, create vision then I am stuck in a box. I like to be free.
Allessandra: Tanisha, that has not been my experience. Knowing and living my values actually gives me more freedom than I have ever had. That level of clarity has opened doors for me that I never imagined possible. You have no idea of the possibilities that could unfold for you during that three weeks in Europe. To open yourself to the possibilities you need to commit. The only person you are committing to is yourself.
Tanisha: I have always committed to other people or to doing things. I am not sure I have ever committed to myself. I have never thought about values from this perspective. If I don’t know my values I can’t commit to myself and follow through. It sounds like that level of clarity would enable me to have more power over my life. Thank you Allessandra.
Allessandra: I recognize it takes courage to make this change. Committing to determine your values is the first step.
Tanisha: No more waiting for something better. I am committing to know my top five values before I go to bed tonight. I know who I would like to be and how I would like to engage in the world. I have just never been able to live that way. I will call you tomorrow morning with my answer. If I decide to join you, I will participate in the planning. This could be a lot of fun.
Allessandra: Yes, it has the potential to be a magical experience. Thank you for loving yourself address this pattern. Talk tomorrow.
Awareness
Allessandra recognizes the saboteur pattern right away. She knows Tanisha cannot commit because she is always waiting to see if something better will come along. She knows what is required to be clear and make empowered choices. Alessandra also knows that being aligned with her values is a portal into the realm of endless possibility. Tanisha is ready to commit to the first step of the process when she realizes she can have more freedom. Perhaps she will discover that freedom is one of her top five values and an effective relationship with commitment will support that value.
Archetype Cards, Caroline Myss
Self-awareness practice
Closing the gap between reacting unconsciously and responding consciously.
One of the biggest challenges is committing to self. Over commitment to others or to things can lead to overwhelm, fragmentation and exhaustion, further delaying or stopping change. Not committing to self can lead you to making decisions that don’t serve your highest good. Trying to or waiting to commit doesn’t support change. Remember the saboteur’s core issue is change.
You can silence the saboteur by knowing your values, engaging in acts of courage or by listening to and following your intuition. Your choice to do any of these will rearrange your familiar world. That can be disconcerting. You may find yourself saying, that it doesn’t feel right. The reason it doesn’t feel right is because you are in the unknown and this is part of change.
I encourage you to determine your top five values. Knowing and working with your values is freeing and empowering. This knowledge allows you to engage with life in new ways. You may find that your values change over time as your consciousness expands. It is a process of trueing to values that support your growth. For a helpful resource to determine your values click here.
Daily Intentions:
!) To be conscious of where you are over committing or not committing as you go about your day.
2) To be aware of the voice of your intuition. What is it telling you? Are you taking action?
3) To use your values as a guide. What courageous acts can you execute to create change today?
Remember the only person you are committing to is yourself.
You are on the journey of self-love!