The Power of Self-love
The Crone is a symbol of inherent wisdom. Although the Crone is the harbinger death, she is also responsible for birth and new life. She is our archetypal midwife.
AUGUST 1998 . HALIFAX . WALLS, WALLS EVERYWHERE WALLS
Dear Journal,
Oh my, today was a day of big emotions. It started out with me feeling frustrated, and that evolved into me being very angry. As the day continued to unfold, it was revealed that under that anger lay a fear that was connected to a feeling of being stuck, feeling powerless to break free of the patriarchal ‘not enough’ story and its core ‘power over’ pattern. How can I be this age and still not be enough? I am afraid that I will never be able to just be me and be accepted for being enough.
As you know my friend, the teacher archetype expresses through me and part of being a teacher is being committed to learning. My whole life I have been seeking learning, always looking for learning opportunities and learning the lessons life offers. No matter how much education I have, how many lessons I have learned, how many certifications I have, it seems that it is never enough. My file of certificates keeps expanding but I am not allowed to expand. No, Karen, you need more education to do that. No Karen, you do not have enough experience to do that. No Karen, your problem is you want to see change. You need to learn that things are just fine the way they are. We have done this for years and it works well for us. Just conform and you will do well. Walls, walls everywhere walls. When will I be enough to live from my heart and be who I came to be. I am so tired of being kept small, restricted and limited when I see there is another way that would serve humanity more effectively. I know it can be done and the outcomes would create big changes. I am a catalyst for change. I have always been able to see that there is another way that could potentially better serve the whole of humanity, not just a few. I feel so frustrated that I am not allowed to fully engage from my heart. My heart aches and it feels so heavy. Sometimes I think I birthed into a world not ready for change. I know I didn’t come to earth to conform. How can I be the catalyst for change that I came to be, in a world that doesn’t want to change?
I spent a lot of time in the woods today walking and sitting by the water. There has to be a way to be free of this patriarchal story. This year I have been learning how deeply ingrained it is in the outer world and within me. Waking up to this is quite disconcerting, to say the least. Why has it taken me so long to see how big this is? When am I going to be enough, to just be me and expand? What if I can never be enough in the patriarchal story? What if I am already enough but I don’t fit the story?
Love you my friend,
Karen
DECEMBER 2022 . HALIFAX . AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY
Dear journal,
As I read the entry from 1998 through my 2022 lens, I realized how little I understood about the patriarch and its core story of ‘not enough’ at that time. I was making it all about me not being enough and I felt like a victim. Now I have compassion for my younger self. She was experiencing a big awakening.
A few days after I wrote that journal entry in 1998, a book literally fell of the shelf in a book store and landed at my feet. This was not a new experience for me so I knew to pick it up and look at it. I stood there with it in my hand and whispered, “Show me what I need to see.” I then opened the book and my eyes fell on the question, ‘What are you worth?’ That question was the portal that took me deeper into my personal relationship with the story of ‘not enough’. I bought the book, knowing I needed to read it. It was one of those books that I couldn’t put down and when I finished it, I reread it. A short time after reading the book, the author came to Halifax. I went to hear him speak and was transfixed by his presentation. I was simply one of hundreds in the audience but I felt like he was speaking directly to me. I left the Dalhousie Student Union Building that evening knowing I had the power to break the spell and align with the truth that I was enough. I had actually been born being enough and had been conditioned to forget. This was a remembering process. Since that evening, I have been on an incredible journey that can best be described as one of self-love. My experience has been that love is the magic potion required to break the patriarchal spell.
In time, I saw all the walls that I had hit while trying to prove that I was enough, through a different lens. The walls were stopping me not because I wasn’t enough, rather, they were stopping me because I was already enough. There was nothing to prove. With that awareness, all the anger directed at the people who I felt were keeping me small, dissipated. I was keeping myself small by believing and living the story. The people involved were simply the other players in the game that I had chosen to play. When I made a choice that aligned with my true self and being sovereign, the way I engaged with life and the way life engaged with me, changed.
Being enough has revealed profound truths:
· There is nothing to be.
· There is only experience.
· There is nothing to lose or gain.
· Life is impermanent.
· Change is constant.
· Life is unlimited possibility.
· Conscious choice is liberating.
When I loved myself enough to choose to break the spell of ‘not enough’ and I committed to it, I was in my power. I can now look back and can see how I was supported every step of the way. That does not mean it was easy, as I was breaking free of thousands of years of conditioning.
My experience of loving and accepting myself has allowed me to align with my true self — my soul truth — and experience more and more of the magic of life.
Love and light my friend,
Katharina
SELF-AWARENESS QUESTIONS
1. How am I choosing to experience life today?
2. How am I expressing love for myself today?
3. How far can I possibly stretch myself into the unknown today?
4. This is what is unfolding today. What does this make possible? What am I not seeing?