Healing Power of Self-Acceptance
The Crone is a symbol of inherent wisdom. Although the Crone is the harbinger death, she is also responsible for birth and new life. She is our archetypal midwife.
MARCH 2006 . VERMILION BAY . DIFFERENT STORIES
Dear Journal,
This morning, my sister ‘D’, my mother and I drove out to the farm. ‘D’ and I both arrived yesterday to spend some time with Mother and help her clean and reorganize her town apartment. I hadn’t been home for a few years so I was curious as to what the farmhouse would be like now that it was not lived in year-round. As I opened the back door and stepped into the kitchen, I noticed the coldness — the distinct lack of homely warmth that once came from the wood stove — and the welcoming smells of fresh baking or soup bubbling on the stove were sadly missing. The kitchen had always been the gathering place, but today it was cold and empty. As I wandered from room to room laying my hand on the furniture, the photos, and the books on the book shelves, the memories rose up from within. I made my way upstairs to the room that had once been mine. There on the bed lay a hanger. ‘V’ had made this hanger. I had saved my milk money and bought three of them. She had braided colourful strips of cloth around the wire and I thought they were beautiful. Certainly, worth three lunches without milk. As the memories surfaced, my smile disappeared and tears of sadness, guilt and shame of not being a better friend to ‘V’ welled up.
‘V’, like me, was bullied at school. Our friendship began when she had surgery for spinal scoliosis and was in a body cast for what seemed to me like a long time. She lived about a three-minute walk from the school so I would go and have lunch with her on school days. I would take her school work and help her with it and deliver it back to our teacher. Her parents both worked so she was alone during the day and being in a body cast, she was very limited in her movement. This is when she began making her cloth-covered hangers. From the time I had started going to school until I started spending lunch hours with ‘V’, I had thought I was the poorest child in the school. Now I saw that I had a really good life compared to ‘V’. My family may not have had much money, but we had an incredible abundance of food. ‘V’ didn’t have much food so my mother would always add some extra things to my lunch for ‘V’. Lots of times I ate very little of my lunch so ‘V’ could have more. I often bought chocolate milk with my milk money and would take it to ‘V’. If there was time after ‘V’ and I did school work, we would read a book. ‘V’ struggled to read and comprehend so I helped her and her book reports improved greatly. When I would hear the school bell I would run back to school, grateful that I had the freedom to run and move my body in any way I wanted. My belly may have been a little hungry, but I always knew that after school when I got home there would be fresh baking on the table and sometimes chocolate milk. A couple hours later a very big evening meal would be served. ‘V’ didn’t have the security of that knowing.
When ‘V’ was able to return to school, our teacher allowed me to stay in at recess to keep ‘V’ company as she couldn’t be on the playground until her back healed more. We would read books and I would help her with her school work so she wouldn’t have homework; she was responsible for looking after her little brother in the evenings.
As I sat on the floor of my bedroom with the hanger in my hand, my jacket tear stained, I knew I was never a part of bullying ‘V’ nor did I ever say anything negative about her. However, I never stood up for her when she was being bullied. Why hadn’t I been stronger? Why hadn’t I been a better friend? None of the other children knew what I knew about ‘V’. They had no idea how she lived, why she smelled, why she was so skinny and her clothes tattered. It wasn’t her fault. I could have been a better friend.
This afternoon I was walking down the hall of Mother’s apartment complex and I said hi to the woman cleaning the floors. I didn’t recognize her, but she recognized me. It was ‘V’. She was so happy to see me. I looked at her with a questioning look. How could she be happy to see someone who hadn’t be a better friend and didn’t stand up for her when she was being bullied? That was not her story. She proceeded to tell me how she appreciated the time I had spent with her during those lunch hours. How that time had been the highlight of her days. How grateful she was that I shared my lunches and helped her with her schoolwork. She continued telling me how I had been patient with her when she was frustrated with being a slow learner. She could learn with me because she felt safe. She reminded me of how kind I had been to her when she was pregnant in Grade 10. I was the only person who listened and could calm her down. She felt less afraid when she was with me. Then she said that my kindness had inspired her to be kind to others. My kindness? I hadn’t been kind when I didn’t stand up for her. I was only kind when it felt safe to be kind. She never talked about that and I felt too guilty and ashamed to bring it up. I gave her a hug and thanked her for sharing. She was certainly seeing me through very different eyes than I was seeing myself. We had very different stories.
Love
Karen
SEPTEMBER 2022 . HALIFAX . SELF-ACCEPTANCE
Dear Journal,
As I read this journal entry, once again the tears welled. This time not tears of shame and guilt for not being good friend, but, tears of compassion for my younger self. I see my younger self through different eyes now. I see what ‘V’ saw in me. I was kind. I was compassionate. I was patient. I was a good listener and my presence was calming. Those qualities are expressions of my authentic self. They have been threaded throughout my entire life. I now know I supported ’V’ to the best of my ability. I was as good a friend that I could be at that time. I was so focused on my story of not being a good enough friend that I couldn’t see what she saw. She truly appreciated me. She valued what I gave her more highly than what I wasn’t able to give her. I did the opposite. I placed little value on what I was able to give her and focused on what I wasn’t capable of giving. Now as I look back I believe she understood why I didn’t stand up for her. It was for the same reason she never stood up for me when I was being bullied: neither of us felt safe to do so. I could only do what I felt safe enough to do. I was living in self-preservation mode. If I didn’t protect myself, who would?
Despite self-preservation being my number one priority, I still served ‘V’ and she served me. It was during this time that the teacher archetype that expresses through me was activated in a new way. When the teacher archetype expresses, the student archetype is always present and I was teaching ‘V’ what I was learning. I had been labeled a slow learner in the early grades but after I got glasses, had time to catch up and gain self-confidence, that label was no longer used to describe me on report cards. Helping ‘V’ for so many months, I became a much better student. I wanted to learn and the more I learned the more I wanted to learn. I discovered that I had a brilliant mind and helping ‘V’ led me to that discovery.
When ‘V’ was pregnant in Grade 10, I did listen, I never judged her, nor did I need to know any details. I was very clear. All I needed to do was to listen and sometimes I asked a big life question. This experience activated the healer archetype that expresses through me. I realize now that even at that young age, I was holding space without even knowing what that meant. I couldn’t change anything that had happened to ‘V’, all I could do was be present and listen.
The healing power of self-acceptance is profound. Recently, I read that when we accept ourselves there is no need for self-forgiveness. It just naturally happens. I understand that now. My younger self showed up and did the absolute best I could do while keeping myself safe. I accept that and embrace my younger self with love. There is absolutely nothing to forgive.
Love and light,
Katharina
SELF-AWARENESS QUESTION
Is there an experience that you had in your youth that left you feeling you weren’t enough? Perhaps you feel guilt and shame when you think about it.
Your authentic-self has threaded its way through your life from the day you were born. It is always present. Just as ‘V’ shone the light for me to see the thread of my true-self, people in your life can see your true-self and they can shine the light for you to see it as well. When you identify that thread, it’s energy creates a huge crack in the story of not being enough. I encourage you to crack that story wide open. You will be surprised when you see the beauty on the other side of it.