Conscious Use of "I am sorry"
I Am Sorry
One of the most over used phrases in the patriarch is ‘I am sorry’.
It is so deeply engrained in us that it is often an unconscious response that has nothing to do with being accountable for one’s actions nor does the person saying “I am sorry” actually intend to change their behaviour.
A story for you
Tanisha: Do you know what time it is? I agreed to make dinner this evening and we agreed to spend the evening together. We agreed to eat at 6:00pm. I was looking forward to sharing some time with my sister.
Allessandra: I am sorry. I am just a little late. I got busy.
Tanisha: It is 8:00. You didn’t even text me to let me know you would be late.
Allessandra: I didn’t notice the time. It has been a really busy day. You know me, when I get busy I can’t think of anything else. My work is very intense right now with this big project and you know how I don’t deal well with overwhelm. You know how exhausted I am. When things clam down at work. I will make it up to you. After all, you are my favorite sister.
Tanisha: That is what you always say.
Let me explain
The VICTIM archetype is expressing through Allessandra by making excuses and wanting Tanisha to feel sorry for her.
Allessandra is unconsciously protecting herself from confrontation and is disempowering both of them.
Allessandra walks away feeling justified. She was busy and that is a valid reason to be late. Tanisha is her sister. She, if anyone should understand.
Tanisha feels disrespected, angry, disappointed and not valued. She desires a deeper relationship with her sister.
A new story
Tanisha: Allessandra, do you know what time it is? I agreed to make dinner this evening and we agreed to spend the evening together. We agreed to eat at 6:00pm. I was looking forward to sharing some time with my sister.
Allessandra: (stopping mid-step, looking into her sister’s eyes) I apologize. I can see all the effort you put into preparing dinner. It was disrespectful of me not to call you and let you know that I was going to be late. I can do better at showing you that I value our time together. Our relationship is important to me.
Tanisha: Thank you.
Awareness
It is empowering to be accountable to yourself regarding your actions and to embrace the opportunity to change your behaviour when your action has caused another to experience pain.
As the sisters shared their late meal, they each shared their values and discovered they have some of the same values in common. They brainstormed ways they could grow their relationship respecting each other’s values and when the evening ended they both felt empowered knowing they could work together to deepen their relationship.
Archetype Cards, Caroline Myss
Self-awareness practice
Closing the gap between reacting unconsciously and responding consciously.
As you go about your day become aware of your use of I AM SORRY. When you engage with family, coworkers, friends and strangers, notice if you using it to:
be accountable to yourself for your actions
to express love and kindness
hide from confrontation
express your lack of self-worth
Be aware of the difference in the feeling in your body when you are authentically apologizing versus using it as an excuse to remain in victim consciousness.
And remember, you can choose to replace I AM SORRY with phrases like:
I apologize
I hear your concerns
Thank you, I now better understand how you see it
I understand why you are upset
I can’t change what I did, but I know I can do better and I will
Remember this is a process of unlearning. Set the intention each morning to be conscious as you live your day!
You are on the journey of true to yourself!