Should or Should Not
Should or Should Not
How you use the words ‘should’ or ‘should not’ may be telling you that you are thinking and/or speaking from victim consciousness.
When you embrace what is, versus how you think it should or shouldn’t be, you are no longer investing your energy into wanting things to be different,
You are in your power!
A story for you
Tanisha: I am so disappointed Allessandra, it should not have worked out like this. I prepared for the interview and I thought it went so well. So well in fact, I thought I had the position.
Allessandra: I am sorry that you didn’t get the position you applied for. You would have been perfect for it and it for you. Perhaps you should have prepared differently. Perhaps you should have done a bit more research on the company and the position you were applying for.
Tanisha: That’s what I have been thinking. I obviously should have done more. Perhaps I should have dressed in more business like attire. The more I think about it, the more I think should have done. The more I think about it, the worse I feel.
Allessandra: I feel the same way with things don’t work out or me. Either you get more depressed thinking about it or you put it out of your mind. There is a new pub that just opened. Let’s go check it out tonight.
Tanisha: Now that is a brilliant idea! I could really use some comfort food and a bottle of good wine this evening.
Allessandra: I will meet you there at 7:00pm.
Let me explain
Neither Tanisha or Allessandra are aware that they are thinking and speaking from victim consciousness nor that the story of not enough is being expressed. Tanisha believes she should have done things differently and is blaming herself for not getting the job. Her sister is supporting her belief. Allessandra is enabling Tanisha to self-victimize and the comfort they seek from the food and wine will be short lived. The truth is the victim archetype is not soothed for long.
A new story
Tanisha: I am so disappointed Allessandra, it should not have worked out like this. I prepared for the interview and I thought it went so well. So well in fact I thought I had the position.
Allessandra: I am sorry that you didn’t get the position you applied for. I know you feel the outcome should have been different. The truth is, it is beyond your control. This is simply what the outcome is. What makes you think you could have done anything differently to change the outcome?
Tanisha: I don’t think I could have done anything differently. I was well prepared for the interview. I was pleased with the way I engaged with the interviewers. There is just this feeling that there is something I should have done to change the outcome. Perhaps I should have chosen a different outfit. I felt good in what I chose but maybe I didn’t have the right look.
Allessandra: I understand that. I used to think like that as well. The truth is you did your best and you didn’t get the out come you wanted. You are not a victim. This is not about you not being enough, so thinking you should have done something different is not going to change anything.
Tanisha: In my heart, I know I did my best and I feel good about what I chose to wear. What you are saying is, accept what is, know the outcome is not personal and I am enough despite how it unfolded. I had no idea I was feeling like a victim.
Allessandra: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying and now you are more aware.
Tanisha: You know, despite how it turned out, it was a positive experience. I felt confident in the interview and I am going to remember that feeling. I feel like celebrating this experience. Let’s go to that new pub!
Allessandra: I will meet you there at 7:00pm and we will celebrate you!
Awareness
When you stop thinking how things should or shouldn’t be, you transcend victim consciousness and align with your power. No matter how much you think something should be different you cannot change it. Being in alignment with your power is created from allowing space for what is. Resistance does not allow space for what is and it creates powerlessness. Allowing space for what is is not about liking or disliking it. In acceptance there is no judgement.
Allessandra listened to Tanisha, validated her feelings, had empathy and compassion for her. She could relate to how Tanisha was feeling as she has lived this victim consciousness pattern out in her own life. With practice of being aware, allowing space and accepting what is, Allessandra has aligned with her power. Now she enables Tanisha to empower herself and to transcend victim consciousness. This story is an example of how one can support others to be more aware as they become more aware. This is empowerment in action.
Archetype Cards, Caroline Myss
Self-awareness practice
Closing the gap between reacting unconsciously and responding consciously.
As you go about your day I invite you to become aware when you may be using victim vocabulary that is disempowering.
For example:
1) I (you) should or should not do that like that. I know a much better way.
2) I (you) should or should not feel like that. That is silly.
3) I (you) should or should not think in that way. That is ridiculous.
4) That should happen like this. That is what is fair.
5) That should not be happening that way. That is not right.
Choosing alignment with power (empowering self and others)
1) Own what is yours. I do think, feel or do that. I do not think, feel or do that. Truth is power.
2) Allow others to own what is theirs. For example, thank you for sharing how you feel, think and why you are making that choice. I respect you. Remember, you don’t have to agree with another to show respect.
3)Yes, that is how it did happen. It is what it is and I can accept it, I know it was simply my experience. It is not personal.
4) Yes, I hear you, that was your experience. It does not define you and it is not personal. You are not a victim!
I encourage you to keep a journal. At the end of each day take a few moments to reflect on your day and be mindful of where you:
feel resistance to what is unfolding in your life
have awareness and are aligned with your power
have awareness where you used your power to empower self and another
I encourage you to have self-compassion. Feeling shame and guilt from thinking “I shouldn’t have”, “I should have”, simply is victim consciousness making itself known.
Remember this is a process of unlearning. Set the intention each morning to be conscious as you live your day!
You are on the journey of knowing that you are enough!