I am trying
I am trying
is a phrase that is often used unconsciously.
When conscious, the use of the word ‘try’ alerts you to the presence of the saboteur.
When you tell yourself or encourage someone to ‘try’ harder, you are enabling the saboteur.
A story for you
Tanisha: I am feeling so discouraged Allessandra. I don’t understand. I try so hard and it just isn’t working.
Allessandra: Perhaps you just need to try harder.
Tanisha: I am trying. I show up every morning at the office, determined that this is going to be the day. I smile as if I am happy to be there. I work hard. I do more than I am required and nothing changes. I don’t feel valued. I’m not sure if they even see me or hear me. I feel like all that I do is just taken for granted.
Allessandra: Well, just keep trying and things will change if you give it enough time.
Tanisha: I don’t know how much longer I can keep trying. Trying every day is exhausting. How much longer will it take to see change?
Allessandra: Be patient, Tanisha. It will eventually happen. You have got this!
Let me explain
In this story neither Tanisha or Allessandra are aware that they are thinking, speaking and acting from the pattern of the saboteur. The story is that if Tanisha just keeps trying her needs will be met. Neither one of them knows that the core issue of the shadow saboteur pattern is fear of change. It may appear that Tanisha is taking action, as ‘trying’ is a form of ‘doing’. This is the illusion the saboteur creates and she has no idea that trying to prove her worth is keeping her stuck. The truth is, ‘trying’ is passive as it lacks commitment. When you try you are giving yourself permission to keep things the same. Commitment is required for change to occur. Tanisha is unconsciously on a path of self-destruction and her sister is unconsciously enabling her.
A new story
Tanisha: I am feeling so discouraged Allessandra. I don’t understand. I try so hard and it just isn’t working.
Allessandra: I know you are trying hard Tanisha and I also know that feeling of being discouraged when you don’t see the changes you are hoping for.
Tanisha: (Tanisha takes a deep breath and exhales slowly) Thank you sister. I needed to hear that. It feels good to be seen, heard and to have my feelings validated.
Allessandra: Tell me more about how you are feeling.
Tanisha: I don’t feel valued at work. I don’t feel like they see me or hear me. I feel like all that I do is just taken for granted. It is exhausting.
Allessandra: Tell me more about what you have been trying to do.
Tanisha: I show up willing to do whatever it takes to prove my value. I work hard. I do more than is required of me and I am still not valued. In fact, because I am so efficient I get handed the tasks that others can’t finish or don’t like to do. I do multiple jobs in my workday but I am not seen or heard and clearly not valued.
Allessandra: Tanisha, do you think there is a possibility you are sabotaging yourself? What is it you are trying to achieve?
Tanisha: I just want them to see how valuable I am to them. I want to be seen, heard and respected as being part of a team.
Allessandra: Tanisha, can you see that you are setting yourself up to receive the opposite of what you want. You want to be valued but trying to get your needs met, is working against you. Trying to prove your value is costing you.
Tanisha: (Silence) You are saying that, in trying, I am doing this to myself? I am allowing myself to be taken advantage of? My trying to prove my value is actually creating the opposite? If you are right, then I am hurting myself. The cost is my health and wellbeing.
Allessandra: Yes, that is exactly what I was doing. I believed if I could just prove my worth all would be okay. I just had to try harder. I changed jobs, created new experiences, but I lived out the same pattern over and over. I was so exhausted. I felt like a failure. Others around me were succeeding and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. The shame and guilt was overwhelming.
Tanisha: What did you do?
Allessandra: I woke up! I realized that I didn’t have to figure it out on my own. I decided to work with a guide and she made me aware of my thought patterns that were keeping me stuck. For example; I thought that if I could just prove my worth I would feel empowered. I learned that I was actually disempowering myself and my need to be valued can only be met by me. Step by step I am unsticking myself from the ‘not enough’ story and I am seeing myself through a new lens. I am beginning to see my value.
Tanisha: ( Silence) Allessandra, you have shown me that trying to prove myself is a self-destructive path. Thank you, sister. This conversation is the best conversation we have ever shared. You sister are an inspiration! I too can learn to value myself.
Awareness
Allessandra listened to Tanisha, validated her feelings, had empathy and compassion for her. She could relate to how Tanisha was feeling. She was very aware of the saboteur, as it had kept her stuck in the same intergenerational destructive story. The cost was high and her body is still recovering from the stress generated by trying to prove herself to be enough. With guidance Allessandra has deepened her awareness and is unsticking from her story. She is now able to inspire her sister to become more self-aware.
Archetype Cards, Caroline Myss
Self-awareness practice
Closing the gap between reacting unconsciously and responding consciously.
As you go about your day, become aware your use of the word ‘try’ and the phrase, I am trying but it is not working.
I invite you to keep a journal. At the end of each day take a few moments to reflect on your day and be mindful of where you used the word ‘try’ with yourself and with others. This creates an awareness of the saboteur. It is also important to be aware of the emotions that come up for you and allow space for them without judgment. You do this by simply observing.
The next step is having awareness of when you are catching yourself as you use the word ‘try’. Then you catch yourself as you open your mouth to say it, then you catch yourself before you say it and then you catch yourself as you think it. This is a powerful awareness process.
The next step is to replace the word ‘try’. The saboteur is the guardian of choice. Having the ability to choose shifts the energy of this pattern. With that in mind, I suggest you to practice replacing the word ‘try’ with the word ‘choose’. I am choosing to do this versus I am trying. Does it feel different in your body?
In this work, having self-compassion is part of the practice. It is important to know that the saboteur is a recruit of the victim. When you make a choice to take your power back from the saboteur, the victim is activated. Be aware of how the victim shows up and allow it space. It just wants to be acknowledged.
Remember this is a process of unlearning. Set the intention each morning to be conscious as you live your day!
You are on the journey of learning to use the power of choice!