Feeling the Fear and Taking the Next Step

I have been listening deeply to the women who have been sharing with me that they have fear around doing inner work. I understand their fear. It is a journey into the unknown and there is a need to know they are safe. I too was afraid, and through my healing journey have come to know fear intimately. 

As a child, I had a fear of the dark. I couldn’t see what was hidden within it. Metaphorically, the dark became a perfect hiding place for what I didn’t want to see, so that is where I hid what I felt would not be accepted by others and what I could not accept about myself. I buried those stories and beliefs deep within my unconscious mind. If I couldn’t see them then others couldn’t either and I would be safe. They would never know the real me. I then made up a number of cover stories to create an illusion of showing up how I wanted to be seen. The goal was to be approved of, to be accepted and experience a sense of belonging. This was a completely unconscious process. 

This way of engaging in life created a lot of stress for me. While I was busy focused on living the cover stories, the stories and beliefs that I had hidden away, were being lived out unconsciously. They — not the cover stories — were in the driver’s seat of my life. The thought of going within and looking at what I had hidden in the dark brought me face to face with some of my biggest fears. If people really knew me, if they really saw me, they wouldn’t like me and I wouldn’t be approved of or belong. Underneath that, was another belief: if I didn’t belong, I wouldn’t be safe. I needed to be safe. My inner child needed to feel safe.

Learning to trust that I was safe was huge for me.

I had to focus on taking one step at a time, and many of those steps were baby steps. One of my early guides taught me that fear is simply a messenger. Instead of running the other way I was guided to turn around, face the fear, and be open to receive and acknowledge its message. I could then work through it. I needed support to do that and the support showed up in some unique ways: billboard messages, messages from strangers, books falling off of shelves and my guide showing up in lucid dreams night after night holding my hand as we experienced adventures that required me to face my fears. Then came the final test — waking up to a black wolf looking me in the face. At first I was afraid. As I gasped for air, I realized that it wasn’t threatening me. It was simply looking at me. I looked right into its eyes and told it I was not afraid of it. It threw back its head and laughed. We laughed together. I could so clearly see the illusion of my fear and was greatly amused by it. It was another lucid dream and when I woke up in my real bed, I trusted that I could keep myself safe. In that process, I learned not to question the ways of the Divine Consciousness. I accepted the support in whatever form it arrived and took another step, and another, and kept going. 

Facing fear is a courageous act and being supported in that process was instrumental in helping me reach the point where I stand today.

When I accepted the darkness within me, I then realized that I had a fear much greater than the fear of my darkness — the fear of my light. The fear of my darkness was a cover story. As I continue to journey, I am more comfortable with being in my light. I am growing into its power step by step. For me to step into the light, I had to embrace my darkness fully. When I resisted my darkness, I resisted my light. In embracing my fear, it no longer has power over me. I now hold space for others to face their fears and take their power back.  It is an empowering journey. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 

Nelson Mandela 1993